5 Reasons Why Valentine’s Day Sucks More Than Your Mom’s Old Flowbee
1. Because of Valentine’s Day or the fact that love is in the air, actual grown men and wannabe-thug men feel compelled to buy giant $39.99 teddy bears. (True story, I really did see a homeboy leaving Walmart with a buggy containing a ginormous stuffed bear. He just couldn’t resist that sweet face, that soft fur, or that charming red bow. Lack-of-a-cuddle-buddy problem solved.)
2. You see commercials telling men they should be buying $99 teddy bears that are 4 & 1/2 feet tall, cause “it’s just what she wants” in addition to “Size Matters” (don’t believe me? Visit www.vermontteddybear.com They even have a 6 foot tall bear for only $199! Yesss!) I mean, really, what respectable, classy women doesn’t want to be surprised with a life size teddy bear?! Cause, let’s be honest, who wants jewelry anyways, especially when you could have a giant stuffed animal instead?!!!
3. I love the colors red and pink. They’re two of my most favorite colors, in fact. But somehow retail stores manage to make them almost nauseating (pink Pepto Bismal is all too appropriate for this) around Valentine’s Day. Everywhere you turn every tacky heart shaped item and balloon is covered in all shades of red and pink.
4. Valentine’s Day is the bully of all holidays. It’s not cool or nice to point out the fact that some people are single. Some of these lonely, potential future crazy cat people may not be able to help it. So leave them alone. Until they have the chance to join crazycatpeoplemeetup.com, they’ll be just fine by themselves…oh, and with their cats, can’t forget those cats.
5. If you are in a relationship, there can be a lot of stress and questions involved with Valentine’s Day. Like, what kind gift should you get your significant other? how much money should you spend? will this seem too fancy? or not fancy enough? is it too lovey-dovey? does this gift look as cheap as it actually is? is he allergic to peanuts? is she allergic to flowers? should we go out to eat somewhere or make a romantic meal at home? will he appreciate my made-with-lots-of-love homemade gift? will this make her think I want to marry her? what can I give her that says “I like you, but I certainly don’t love you”? will she like this dancing gorilla that sings “Wild Thing” as much as I do? …and the list of questions could go on and on. So much so, that some people in a relationship may start to think that they’d be better off being carefree & single …or single with a bunch of cats (see #4).
In conclusion, my advice on how to deal with Valentine’s Day is to just follow your heart …unless it leads to a huge teddy bear or a gorilla that sings & dances, in which case go run the other direction.
And, if you don’t know what a Flowbee is, Google or YouTube it, and prepare for your mind to be blown.
HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY!!!
Check back for a contradictory post on why Valentine’s Day can be splendid!
……oh and, just to clarify in case my sarcasm wasn’t completely obvious, I Love jewelry & would probably punch someone if they ever spent $40 and especially if it was almost 100 bucks on a stuffed animal for me. 😉